7 Steps for Healthy Conflict Resolution
1) BE PATIENT – respond instead of react
Nothing ends well if you confront a situation in the heat of the moment. Your words will have more impact if you allow yourself time to think through what you want to say and why you want to say it. Our natural reactions, more so than not, tend to come across as anger instead of care, and often are rooted in fear. Think critically and prudently, taking into account your friend’s personality.
Questions to ask:
– Am I angry right now?
– Is this about my own fear/insecurities or genuinely about her/his welfare?
– Will she/he respond better to bold outspoken words, or a tender sweet explanation?
2) DISCERNMENT VS. JUDGMENT – assess the situation instead of dismissing the person
Judgment reduces the person’s worth in your eyes, and discernment is when your heart feels empathetic and connected towards them. Mastering the art of distinguishing when we are discerning versus judging is something that could take a lifetime. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. It takes intentional self and situational analysis. Be honest with yourself. Judgment usually develops from my misconceptions or struggles with comparison. Above all else, you will always walk down the path of judging when you open the door to gossip. Just don’t do it. Period.
Questions to ask:
– Do I REALLY know what is going on or am I assuming?
– Am I gossiping about them?
– Do I look at them as a “lost cause” or hopeless?
3) OWNERSHIP – be humble
As much as we’d like to think we are, we aren’t perfect. Don’t allow your pride to think that you haven’t “done anything wrong.” Don’t justify your bad actions in the name of “but.” “But” they said this, they did that. You cannot have genuine ownership over your life if you continually blame others for your decisions. Be humble and ready to apologize for your own wrongs. Humility goes a long way – fight to cultivate it and fight to keep it. Most importantly, be humble enough to ask for wisdom and advice from the right person. Do not run to the person you know who will just agree with you and deepen your feelings of hurt and frustration. Always be aware of how you ask for advice and tell the story. No, you do not have to use names! This is not an avenue of gossip.
Questions to ask:
– What could I have done differently?
– Whether right or wrong, how do they perceive my words and actions?
– Am I asking the correct person for their wisdom and advice?
4) CONFRONT – compassion not hate
You are not responsible for how they receive your words. You ARE responsible for how you use your words. Remember that your frustrations are generally rooted in the fact that you care and love for them. You can be frustrated and still communicate with compassion. Compassion and hate however, cannot coexist. When you confront them, cover your words with grace and truth. This is NOT about you, it is about them. Don’t be selfish. Let them know you value them. Let them know that their decision doesn’t affect your ability to love them.
Questions to ask:
– Where will we talk?
– What if he/she does not respond well?
– How does this person add value to my life? How can I communicate that to them?
5) BOUNDARIES – you are not their Savior
We all want to be needed. We all want to be wanted. We want to save the people we love. You cannot fix people. You can, however, encourage and motivate them but it is their responsibility to take ownership over their lives. Too many of us put the burden on ourselves to be a savior, when in reality there is only one Savior. “Savers” breed codependency and codependency breeds resentment and blocks us from being our best selves.
Questions to ask:
– Is this relationship one sided?
– Do I feel the need to “save” them?
– Is my happiness dependent on them?
6) RELEASE – let a season be a season
We are built with a need for community. Every person in your life plays some kind of role, some for long term and some for short term. Often times when you walk out of a season of friendship you are brought something/someone new and better suited for your next season. I started dating a guy when I was 15 years old, and we were still dating when I was 18. In many ways, although we were 3 years older, the habits we created at 15 trapped us in a vicious cycle of 15 -year old maturity. Don’t cling to a season that is meant to end. It can stall both your and their growth. I like to remind myself that God never takes anything away without giving something in return.
Questions to ask:
– Why do I want to hold onto this friendship?
– Is this friendship/relationship keeping me from growing and becoming a better version of myself?
– What new hobby or skill can I pick up? – this helps fill up space and time that used to be filled by that other person.
7) FREEDOM – forgiveness
Bitterness and resentment can’t be an option. Let’s be honest – bitterness hurts us more than it hurts the other person anyway. It’s a lie if you think that not acknowledging them, talking bad about them, or being rude gives you any kind of vengeance. If something good happens to them, rejoice for them. If something bad happens to them, mourn for them. The way you walk away from someone who hurt you tells a lot about your integrity. Be free, offer forgiveness.
Questions to ask:
– How do/will I feel when I see them? – Why do I feel this way?
– How will I explain to people who ask where they are or how they are doing?
– What good came out of the relationship?
